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Comedians Quotes Captions For Instagram
Comedians Quotes Captions For Instagram

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It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You only think of the best comeback when you leave.

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

In the land of the skunks, he who has half a nose is king.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don’t care about other stuff.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

You’ll always remember your first car and the memories that come with it – that sense of adventure!

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The power of visibility can never be underestimated.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Comedians Quotes Captions For Instagram
Comedians Quotes Captions For Instagram

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A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

If your hair is relaxed, white people are relaxed. If your hair is Happy, they’re not happy.

If it wasn’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsover.

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

No one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life.

The British Museum is great for seeing how excellent we were at stealing things.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Claudia Winkleman is a good laugh and James Corden too.

Comedians Quotes Captions For Instagram
Comedians Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘ I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

Laughter is the best medicine – unless you’re diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

I love living in Birmingham, it’s just a lovely gentle life, and it’s calm. And it’s full of Brummies who I find hilarious.

There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

When I say I’m going gangster, I’m working really hard at something.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’

Comedians Quotes Captions For Instagram
Comedians Quotes Captions For Instagram

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You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.

Masculinity involves feminine qualities, and femininity involves masculine qualities.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present.

If there’s an adrenaline rush, I will find it; if there’s an anxiety attack, I will have it.

I’ve been brewing my own beer with this ex-army bloke.

There’s no way to describe what I do. It’s just me.

You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickels in the machine.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

I’ve learned how to use my spam filter pretty effectively.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.

Comedians Quotes Captions For Instagram
Comedians Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.

We invented words; we’ll tell you how they’re supposed to sound.

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

You do not need a therapist if you own a motorcycle, any kind of motorcycle!

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

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