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Jim Gaffigan Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jim Gaffigan Quotes Captions For Instagram

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You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It’s like from like the era of court jesters.

Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’

Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it’s never enough. I think that’s true. It’s hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It’s something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.

I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. There’s no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It’s like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross’ type of standup.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. … Having multiple kids, it’s been a gift in a way. It’s keeping the priorities straighter.

As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they’re like, ‘It’s unbelievable how clean,’ ‘He’s the cleanest person in the world.’ And then I’ll do shows and people will be like, ‘You’re supposed to be so clean, but you’re talking about cancer.’

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

We tend to outdo ourselves.

No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. Iâ ™m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. â Å”Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!

I’m not a foodie; I’m an eatie. I don’t have anything against foodies. I just don’t have the time or the interest to do that much research.

There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep’.

There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am – which is not to say that that’s a bad thing.

Jim Gaffigan Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jim Gaffigan Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived.

You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

I’m from Indiana. I know what you’re thinking, Indiana… Mafia. But in Indiana it’s not like New York where everyone’s like, ‘We’re from New York and we’re the best’ or ‘We’re from Texas and we like things big’ it’s more like ‘We’re from Indiana and we’re gonna move.’

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I’m probably the opposite of a vegan.

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it’s pretty sincere.

Manhattan’s probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana’s definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.

Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

I don’t know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don’t consider stand-ups really actors.

There’s something that’s really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

Comics write to their point of view. If you’re an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you’ve got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

I worked on ‘USA Today’ as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.

I’m a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

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Jim Gaffigan Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It’s pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

There’s something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

I’m closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me – I’m 43, balding, blond, whatever – there’s something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it’s eight people from Sweden who don’t understand what I’m talking about.

I’m an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I’m not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I’m pretty bad at it.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don’t like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There’s something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.

Other people’s children’s birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

For me, it’s always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, ‘You were wonderful last night. I didn’t want it to end. I can’t wait to see you again.

Jim Gaffigan Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jim Gaffigan Quotes Captions For Instagram

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For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something’s catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

A lot of people are like, You’re doing commercials? And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It’s hard work, and I’m paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.

I’m kind of like a guy who’s missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I’m also a mama’s boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I’m kinda half guy’s guy.

I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.

I’ve been doing stand-up for so long, I think 19 years, that I love topics I can also expand on. Once I identify a topic like, say, seafood, which is a big one right now, it’s like there are different kinds of tangents I can go on to build a larger chunk.

Whenever you correct someone’s grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.

My wife always asks me why I don’t make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don’t tie my shoes after I take them off.

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