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Lewis Black Quotes Captions For Instagram
Lewis Black Quotes Captions For Instagram

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I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Do you know what ‘meteorologist’ means in English? It means liar.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn’t funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, ‘What did he say?’

There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything’s going to be great. I’m really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up ‘The New York Times,’ and I look at the front page and realize that once again I’m wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It’s unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it left over.

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I’d explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o’clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

I’m a happy person but an angry citizen.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.

People would be a lot better off if they’d enjoy being single.

You don’t want another Enron? Here’s your law: If a company, can’t explain, in one sentence, what it does… it’s illegal.

When it comes to idiots, America’s got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

Lewis Black Quotes Captions For Instagram
Lewis Black Quotes Captions For Instagram

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The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We’re spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they’ll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

In my lifetime, we’ve gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We’ve gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we’ll be voting for plants.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – fix it!

Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I’m still going to be rich.

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, ‘I’m running for president.’

None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don’t go out to vote, that they don’t feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It’s not just Obama’s fault or Clinton’s or whomever’s, it’s all of them, the whole collection of clowns I’ve had to sit through.

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year.

Socialism appeals to me. It’s like imposed Christianity. You’ve got to share.

The reason I like socialism is that it’s kind of enforced Christianity. It’s basically very Christian, in the sense of do unto others as you would have them do unto you. These people have nothing, so you have to share.

Lewis Black Quotes Captions For Instagram
Lewis Black Quotes Captions For Instagram

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You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I’m concerned.

I’d like the campaigning to be about all the things they’re not going to do. Just tell me what you’re not going do! Don’t tell me what you’re going to do. Just say I’d really like to do solar energy but I’m not going to be able to. I really want to dig holes everywhere in the country but I really won’t be able to do it because people seem to think that maybe my water will be screwed up.

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It’s unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief. It’s insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ***** into it.

A lot of the times I’m looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it’s a set, a story that I’ll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college. Now, I’m gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. If it weren’t for my horse… as in, giddyup, giddyup, let’s go — I wouldn’t have spent that year in college, which is a degree-granting institution. Don’t think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!

A republican stands up in congress and says ‘I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!’ and the democrat stands up after him and says ‘AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

They’re so broke that they’ve actually cut essential services. In many places, they’ve cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it’s much more fun watching something burn down.

Lewis Black Quotes Captions For Instagram
Lewis Black Quotes Captions For Instagram

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That’s the funny thing about religion: it doesn’t matter what you say, you’re going to upset someone.

The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, ‘I’ve got a really bad idea.’ And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, ‘And I can make it sh*ttier.’

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents – doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem…

If a group of people – leaders – can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn’t be taxed– THAT is leadership!

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you’re crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

There are two things I know about life… Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

This is the thing I’ve never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don’t need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.

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