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Norm Macdonald Quotes Captions For Instagram
Norm Macdonald Quotes Captions For Instagram

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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.

I’m not gay, so I don’t know much about Broadway musicals.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

When I was young, I’d watch guys on ‘The Tonight Show’, Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they’d be is funny. Later, I remember, on ‘Late Night with Letterman’, I remember he’d have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that.

If you’re watching a comedian on television and he’s making a political point, I would say he’s gotten too serious.

You can’t love your team without hating another team.

With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing. Because I don’t like big houses, I don’t drive a car, so you know, I just live in a small apartment and I have my computer, which is really cool.

I’m no good at anything but comedy, which I think I’m good at. I’m absolutely no good at networking; I’m terrible at acting; I’m terrible at dealing with executives; I’m terrible at collaborating. And I say whatever I want to say. But I think I’m good enough at comedy that I can survive. And I don’t really have an ambition for money.

I watch political shows for a number of weeks in a row, and all I see are guys arguing with each other over issues I have no idea about. My brother, he loves war-torn places. My dad would always read the paper and tell me I should watch CNN, but I usually wind up watching ‘Breaking Bad.’

Norm Macdonald Quotes Captions For Instagram
Norm Macdonald Quotes Captions For Instagram

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I’ve been offered political shows before, and I don’t know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions – there’s consequences to them. I often think I’m wrong, so I really don’t like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.

I don’t like sports where it’s like, you watch a guy on a motorcycle flip or something, then another guy does it, it looks exactly the same, and then at the end one guy gets higher points! It seems so arbitrary; I don’t know who’s ahead ever.

I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it’s inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know?

My dad had this thing – everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that’s all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!

I started on ‘Saturday Night Live’ the same time Conan started on Late Night. We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn’t get a guest – which was often back then since he was just starting out – he would just call me down to be a guest.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren’t in very good shape.

Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.

I could not ignore their withering glances. They looked at me the way real vampires look at Count Chocula.

The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast, real fast, and if you’re not careful it’s too late. Of course, the young man will never understand this truth.

Women are attracted to funny men, it is often said. This is not true. It only appears this way because women laugh at everything a very handsome man says. So this gives the very handsome men the idea that they are funny.

As long as the red dice are in the air, the gambler has hope. And hope is a wonderful thing to be addicted to.

The plain truth is that Adam Eget is an alcoholic and that’s why he doesn’t drink. Me, I’m not an alcoholic and that’s why I do drink. Life sure is funny that way.

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She said she could no longer live in New York, that she was being tormented day and night by some obsessive stalker. This caught me completely by surprise, as I had taken to hanging around Sarah’s apartment, hiding in the bushes day and night, watching her come and go, and I had never seen any signs of a stalker.

That’s where I found him, making a living underneath the Queensboro Bridge, jerking off punks for fifteen dollars a man.

Earlier this week, Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live, among them that Hollywood is run by Jews. The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

Sometimes a writer’s strike is good. Maybe if we had a writer’s strike now, people would have to read Shakespeare instead of James Patterson.

Now that all hope is gone, a deep relief has taken its place, and I allow myself to enjoy it before the despair sets in.

And you’d correct him, but the thing is, you’re not sure you remember it a hundred percent accurately yourself. It turns out your memory isn’t the precise court stenographer you think it is, getting every word down just so. It’s more like the sketch artist way at the back of the courtroom who is doing his level best to capture images that no longer are.

I’ll admit that I’m deeply closeted, but I’ll never admit that I’m gay.

It’s true what they say. Never meet your heroes. It turns out they’re all a bunch of fucking assholes. They’re probably the reason you turned into such a fucking asshole – because they were your heroes and you spent all your time trying to be like them.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it’s inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are… You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.

I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

So much in L.A. is waiting. It’s so irritating. That’s what’s good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don’t have to sit and wait by your phone. But it is very frustrating.

A lot of people think I’m difficult to work with. It’s not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn’t really matter. I guess I’m somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy.

Norm Macdonald Quotes Captions For Instagram
Norm Macdonald Quotes Captions For Instagram

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I sort of try to write everything for me. I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I’m trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they’re accessible to everyone.

I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end, you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

I like doing a funny show where I don’t have to act and fall in love with a girl.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

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