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Also Read: Check out our latest posts in Sad Category


Joan Rivers Quotes Captions For Instagram
Joan Rivers Quotes Captions For Instagram

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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Never floss with a stranger.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough.

Joan Rivers Quotes Captions For Instagram
Joan Rivers Quotes Captions For Instagram

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It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.

I’m grateful for every day I’m still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it’s the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn’t have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.

I am not into exercise. If God wanted me to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door — or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn’t get better. You get better.

Joan Rivers Quotes Captions For Instagram
Joan Rivers Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in high heels!

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

When you whisper about something, it’s too big, and you can’t get it under control and take control of it.

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror – anything that upsets me.

All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.

I have no line. If I think it’s funny, it’s funny.

I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.

Joan Rivers Quotes Captions For Instagram
Joan Rivers Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It’s in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Also Read: Check out our latest posts in Sad Category

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