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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jerry Seinfeld Quotes Captions For Instagram

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It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jerry Seinfeld Quotes Captions For Instagram

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My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.

I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

I like money, but it’s never been about the money.

The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

There [are] just two things I’d need to find out everything I want to know about everyone: 1) Let me see them drive; 2) let me hear them talk about marriage … That’s going to tell me exactly your relationship to the world.

Stand-up comedy is a counter to the technology boom. We live in an age of gushing information … [and] the human voice is the opposite of that … We crave contact. I think it’s cool and interesting and odd that one person onstage can give you that.

You need talent, you need brains, and you need confidence. Those are the three things you need to do virtually anything. Confidence is a fascinating commodity. There’s no upper limit on the usefulness of it, as long as it doesn’t bleed into arrogance.

Nobody wants the Oscars to be good … I’m going to watch it regardless. It’s just something we need to do. It’s like a husband and wife occasionally are going to have a fight. That’s what the Oscars are–something we … do from time to time.

The advice I would give [the younger me]–or any young person–would be Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

If you have something, anything, an ability of some kind, you want to use it. That, I think, is the essence of human living … The idea is to do more in life … Money is nice, but it’s not what really makes you feel good.

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jerry Seinfeld Quotes Captions For Instagram

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If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, Be careful what you say when you’re in a fight, because it could stick in someone’s head. I don’t think I’ve ever said anything I really regretted. I’m very sympathetic to women. I’ve really studied wife-ology, and I know you’ve got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.

People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?

I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that’s your answer.

In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is,

There’s a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.

Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can’t create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way.

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jerry Seinfeld Quotes Captions For Instagram

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I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee’s a little help with everything â social, energy, don’t know what to do next, don’t know how to start my day, don’t know how to get through this afternoon, don’t know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

I like to try anything… You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it’s just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.

Let’s examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He can’t believe that you’ve accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. He’s back again! It’s that guy! It’s that guy!

Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I’m ready to handle whatever I have to handle.

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