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Stephen Colbert Quotes Captions For Instagram
Stephen Colbert Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say ‘no.’ But saying ‘yes’ begins things. Saying ‘yes’ is how things grow.

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

If you don’t give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don’t hurt you anymore. And you actually have power over those people.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don’t want to ride around in a quitter.

I’m a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It’s certainty.

I love ‘Sunday in the Park with George.’ I saw that when I was just, just starting theater school, and I remember singing ‘Finishing the Hat’ or at least reading the lyrics to ‘Finishing the Hat’ and other songs from ‘Sunday in the Park with George’ to my mom to try to explain why I wanted to be an artist.

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we’re doing next week. That’s all I can worry about.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.

Stephen Colbert Quotes Captions For Instagram
Stephen Colbert Quotes Captions For Instagram

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I don’t accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.

Northwestern’s alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that’s just me!

There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn’t like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.

I can’t prove it, but I can say it.

I’m very comfortable with uncomfortable situations, and I think that can seem odd to people, that I like the thrill of discomfort.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke.

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty!

Stephen Colbert Quotes Captions For Instagram
Stephen Colbert Quotes Captions For Instagram

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All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.

Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. Yes is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes’.

America used to live by the motto Father Knows Best. Now we’re lucky if Father Knows He Has Children. We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Baby carrots are making me gay.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Stephen Colbert Quotes Captions For Instagram
Stephen Colbert Quotes Captions For Instagram

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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don’t think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald’s.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don’t understand.

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