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Jay Leno Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jay Leno Quotes Captions For Instagram

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If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

You aren’t famous until my mother has heard of you.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh… it’s as simple as that.

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we’re doing anonymously.

You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that’s why they never hit any home runs. It’s a safety issue.

Jay Leno Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jay Leno Quotes Captions For Instagram

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The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

People don’t mind if you have a lot of money if they know you’re working for it.

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed.

There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it’s safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.

President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way — liquored up in a cheap hotel room.

I always tell new people in show business. I say, Look, show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you’re gonna get screwed. And when you get screwed, you will have this pile of money off to the side already. And they go, OK, OK, OK, you ready? You ready? I got screwed. You got the pile of money? Yeah, I’m fine. I mean, that’s the way it works.

According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take a harder stance on the death penalty. What’s a harder stance on the death penalty? We’re already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When’s the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

Now they’re saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, Cause everything leads to higher oil prices. In fact, the price of crude oil could hit $80 a barrel. That’s not crude — that’s obscene.

According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.

According to this week’s Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently, he likes working out because it ‘clears his mind.’ Sometimes it works a little too well.

He seemed a little scripted in his speech.

Jay Leno Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jay Leno Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!

Kerry’s said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn’t even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good? Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.

A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He’s a law student, so he probably doesn’t need it, but still, that’s not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh – it’s as simple as that.

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama’s economic adviser.

The Olympics start on Friday, and Russia is implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. During the games, the government will monitor every email, every social media message, and listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are even comparing Russia to the United States, that’s how bad it is.

Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? … Former Democrats

I believe engineers will save the world.

Ambition beats genius 99% of the time.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

Jay Leno Quotes Captions For Instagram
Jay Leno Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.

I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.

The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here’s my question. If we’re on the surface of Mars, aren’t we the UFO?

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