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Chris Rock Quotes Captions For Instagram
Chris Rock Quotes Captions For Instagram

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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

I have my own demons and dark moods. It’s weird.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

School shootings were invented by blacks… and stolen by the white man.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

You don’t pay taxes – they take taxes.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

Chris Rock Quotes Captions For Instagram
Chris Rock Quotes Captions For Instagram

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I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.

Funny is only something that others know about you – you can’t be funny by yourself.

Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?

A sense of humor is great – it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When I do stand-up, I’m basically doing a one-man show.

Listen to people that are smarter than you.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

Chris Rock Quotes Captions For Instagram
Chris Rock Quotes Captions For Instagram

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We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game.

If you’re black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

I do what I can do when I can do it.

I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn’t some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.

It’s easier to get on show business, the hard part is to maintain. Nobody stays famous forever.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he’s the first black person that is qualified to be president. That’s not black progress. That’s white progress.

One of my daughters told me the other day, Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy. I told her, Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?

If you told me two years I would miss the greatest basketball game ever to hang out with Nathan Lane, I’d say, ‘You’re crazy!’

Chris Rock Quotes Captions For Instagram
Chris Rock Quotes Captions For Instagram

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The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Letâ ™s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riots in the streets,

So, to say Obama is progress is saying that heâ ™s the first black person that is qualified to be president. Thatâ ™s not black progress. Thatâ ™s white progress. Thereâ ™s been black people qualified to be president for hundreds of years. The question is, you know, my kids are smart, educated, beautiful, polite children. There have been smart, educated, beautiful, polite black children for hundreds of years. The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Letâ ™s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.

My mother got sick when I was rich. And my mother, you know â ¦ I donâ ™t really want to get into it, but my mother was sicker than my father. And my motherâ ™s alive. My motherâ ™s fine, OK? I remember going to the hospital to see my mother and wondering, â ËœWas I in the right place?â ™ Like, this was a hotel. Like it had a concierge, man. If the average person really knew the discrepancy in the health care system, thereâ ™d be riots in the streets, OK? They would burn this m-therfâ ker down!

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