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Chelsea Handler Quotes Captions For Instagram
Chelsea Handler Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I’ll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it’s all you can do to take a breath? It’s a pain you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn’t want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It’s the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you’ve fallen in love. It’s not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I’ve come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Chelsea Handler Quotes Captions For Instagram
Chelsea Handler Quotes Captions For Instagram

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It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn’t say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.

I think nudity is funny, especially when it’s inappropriate.

I’ve always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I’d be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?

We women have to stick together.

You can’t have friendships that aren’t based on realness.

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They’re, like, scared of them. I have the opposite – I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, ‘Come here, you little nugget. Who’s your mommy now?’ So cute!

E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don’t know what they’re doing; they have no ideas… everything they do just is a failure.

I’m a standup comedian, so I need people.

If you’re really looking to hurt somebody’s feelings, just break up with them.

You can’t fast-forward heartbreak, and you can’t rewind love – and that’s just one big bummer.

Chelsea Handler Quotes Captions For Instagram
Chelsea Handler Quotes Captions For Instagram

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You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I’m the opposite of my parents.

It’s a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I’ve been living this life for a long time, and I’m over myself.

It’s a pleasure to play my sister because everything I’ve accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied – so much so that there were days when I was like, ‘I can’t go to school today.’ I was too scared.

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. Fun for who? I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

I’ve always been exactly who I am on TV. I’m not playing a role.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim.

I’m a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.

When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I’ve started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it’s very motivating to continue to do it.

I don’t understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It’s so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.

I’m very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I was so frivolous for so many years. It was so much fun, but you feel guilty about the brain energy you use to think about whether some celebrity was sleeping with another celebrity. The conjecture that goes along with that. You feel like your mind has been shot apart.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

Chelsea Handler Quotes Captions For Instagram
Chelsea Handler Quotes Captions For Instagram

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I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic’. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it’s Tuesday I’ll make an exception.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don’t care about it. You can’t get pregnant anally anyway.

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