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Mitch Hedberg Quotes Captions For Instagram
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Captions For Instagram

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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Captions For Instagram
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Captions For Instagram

New Mitch Hedberg Quotes Captions For Instagram

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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil — and the devil was dill.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Captions For Instagram
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Captions For Instagram

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I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.

I like to close my eyes on the stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.

I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f*ck it, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there’s other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You’re like, I hope he’s happy again.

You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it’s nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy’s not being invaded. But there’s nothing like walking back into a clean room. You’ve got to remember that.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes Captions For Instagram
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Captions For Instagram

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Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.

I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn’t understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I’m doing for sure. I was so excited.

I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying Steven Wright to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.

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